Fans
I tend to leave politics out of my comedy for a lot of reasons. One, I was always worried about alienating people as I strive to build the biggest audience possible. Two, I never felt like I was either smart enough or a good enough comic to match what other brilliant comics were putting out there. So the limit of my onstage politics was “it makes me feel weird when you thank me for my service,” and “maybe don’t take your guns with you when you get drunk.” Those are pretty middle of the road, reasonable requests, but even those are too much for some people. I once had a woman in an audience argue with me that she needs her guns in case of a mass shooter, when the example I specifically used was at Applebee’s. Now, of the 18 deadliest mass shootings, only one has taken place in a place where there was alcohol, but that’s besides the point. The point is, people are so polarized right now that it’s impossible to even ask for the minor consideration of “if you’re downing $1 Long Islands, maybe don’t add firearms to the equation.”
I’m at a point now where I’m both less worried about alienating people and more confident of my own boundaries. For example, if you think “don’t take your gun to a bar” is hyper unreasonable of me, I don’t want you as a fan because I’m worried you’ll come to a show with your gun. Not every fan is worth having, and that leads me to this week’s story.
I was performing at Helium Comedy Club Indianapolis (remember comedy clubs? Wild, right?) as the emcee for a headliner I’ve known and respected for years. I met Robert Mac when I was just starting comedy and lived in Arizona, and was an immediate fan. So when I saw that he’d be headlining at Helium, I reached out to the venue and told them I’d take whatever spot they could give me, even if it was just a quick guest spot because I wanted to get to work with Robert again. They made me the emcee, and I was very grateful to get to perform the entire weekend with someone I’ve liked for a decade. The first and third shows were awesome, but at the second show things went off the rails.
During my set I noticed someone sitting in the middle of the room wearing sunglasses despite all the lights being down. He wasn’t wearing an Affliction shirt, but he was the kind of guy where it wouldn’t have been surprising. He didn’t do anything out of the ordinary while I was onstage until during my closer, when I mentioned cocaine (if you’ve seen my act, you’ll be shocked to learn I only mentioned it the one time). This audience member proceeds to throw both hands in the air and yell like a stereotypical college girl or a Ric Flair impersonator. I address it, we all laugh, and I finish my joke, bring up the feature, and step out by the bar.
About ten minutes into the feature’s set, the guy walks out and asks about the bathroom. He sees me, and proceeds to gush about how much he loved my set, and how his boys all think he should be a comedian. Problem is, he then starts to trash the feature comedian to both me and the bartender. I reply that I’m sorry he doesn’t like the feature, not all comedians are for everyone, and that sucks. He nods, and goes to the bathroom, and I ducked away to finish the feature’s set and then bring up Robert. The guy comes back in, hangs out for a bit, and then leaves with about twenty-five minutes left in Robert’s set. I finish watching, then go back up and end the show.
What I didn’t know was happening was that the guy was at the bar starting trouble. He was talking shit to the feature and bartender, and when the bartender told him to stop, he instead opted to get more intense. Telling her that everyone except me was terrible, and that she can’t shut him up because this is America and Indiana and not “Liberal California.” When I walked back out, he saw me and got pumped, and kept calling me “my guy.” Finally, the bartender had had enough and told him he needed to leave or would be escorted out. The bouncer was already there, he’d heard there was an issue and was just waiting for the go ahead. The guy’s wife was complaining that they’d been kicked out, and the guy told her to shut up. At that point the bouncer stepped forward, and the guy said “don’t touch me, I’ll punch you in the fucking face,” and the bouncer said the funniest thing I’d heard all night.
“Then just do it and get it over with, sir.” The guy did not punch the bouncer, instead he walked out still talking shit. He told his wife he wants a divorce, and then they were gone and we were all looking at each other uncomfortably. I waited a beat and said “I can’t believe you all treated my number one fan like that.”
Not every fan is worth having, gang. Be true to yourself, don’t waver on your convictions just because you want people to like you. It can be hard and it can be scary, but you’ll find there are just as many people who feel the way you do as who will hate you for it.