It’s been quite a while since I’ve written here, and holy wow is there a lot to report. As you may remember, I went back to school in the Summer of 2020, just in time for the world to be falling apart. Well, your boy is graduating in three weeks!

In the Lion King, there are animals who act like people (on Broadway it’s people acting like animals acting like people, which is just a little too meta for me). Animated films frequently assign human traits to animals to avoid some of the messier aspects to the circle of life, but Lion King really has to go all out because there aren’t any humans. So we get things like lions falling in romantic love rather than the aggressive nature of an actual lion in heat. We see antelopes acknowledging their place as prey rather than living in constant fear of a predator attack. And we see prairie dogs functioning as an intelligence network. But there’s one major system missing in the Pridelands: a legal system. And I submit to you that the oversight of not managing a system to investigate lawbreakers was a major factor in the primary conflict of The Lion King.

! If you like drawing, draw. If you like singing, sing. Go to karaoke, and have a great time. “But I’m a terrible singer!” So are most of the others. And the ones who aren’t terrible, if they’re making you feel bad about your talent, they’re assholes. 100%, that’s the truth. Anyone who tries to make people feel bad for not being “good enough” at a recreational activity is an asshole.

Eventually we’re all going to be allowed to go outside again, and I assume many of us will be spending some time in bars and restaurants, and when you do that you’re going to need to remember how to behave yourself. Every bar and restaurant has different menus, different themes, and different specialties. But what stays the same everywhere is that you need to tip the staff, and you need to tip them well.

If something is worth it, keep at it. If there are roadblocks, don’t let them stop you. If it’s important enough to you, it’s worth doing right and not giving up on. This positivity thing from me is really weird. I think next week I need to talk about something I hate.

Not every fan is worth having, gang. Be true to yourself, don’t waver on your convictions just because you want people to like you. It can be hard and it can be scary, but you’ll find there are just as many people who feel the way you do as who will hate you for it.

It’s a weird time right now, and people are alternating between boredom and incredible tension. When you add that to the really polarized political time we’re in right now, it has led to a huge rise in internet trolls, and that is fucking awful.

I love a good prank. When someone puts thought into executing a really clever prank, and it works, it’s one of the funniest things in the world, even when it’s happening to me. That being said, I can’t stand April Fool’s Day. It takes all of the mystery and skill out of pranking someone and turns it into a generic day of nonsense jump scares, mean jokes, and lazy fake pregnancy announcements on Facebook.

The cliche goes “it’s not work if you love what you do.” While I don’t subscribe completely to that ideology, I do strongly believe you’ll be willing to put up with more nonsense and bureaucracy if you enjoy your job. And on that same token, if you know what your dream job is, it doesn’t matter how good any other job is. I once described it to someone as having a pool of acid surrounded by a shield. The acid was my dissatisfaction with not being a full time comedian, and the shield was whatever job I was in. If it was a good job, the shield was thicker and would last longer, but eventually it was always going to fail and I would be unhappy.

By now most of us are in quarantine, so we’ll be doing a lot to better ourselves. Time to go to the gym, research recipes, and knock out some quality meal prep. Sorry, I had to bullshit for a second there. We’re watching movies. All day, every day, for the next two weeks, we’re watching movies. So it’s important to remember in these trying times, that these movies are fiction.

To a certain extent, I get it. If you’re cutting corners, that’s kind of on you. Things like $225 lasik (somehow this Jeff Foxworthy joke from the 80s is still happening, I just got an email with an offer yesterday), using shoddy materials to save a buck, or going to Great Clips for your wedding hairstyle . . . all of these are choices you’re making to go somewhere they really can’t do what you need. This isn’t about that. This is about when you rent or purchase something and expect a minimum return on goods or services, and then don’t get them. That’s unacceptable to me, and the idea that it’s somehow my fault and I’m “getting what I paid for” is ridiculous.

You have to find time to relax and recharge. No matter how fun your job is, it’s still a job and you need to take some time off of it so you can get your energy back.

All I’m saying is that you need to pick the right place and time for every kind of music. And just because you like it, doesn’t mean everyone else wants to hear it. There is a time and place for everything, and if you desperately need to hear “Cowboys From Hell” by Pantera at 4:15 on a Wednesday, that place is your car.

Sometimes jobs don’t work out. Maybe you grow apart, maybe you find something better, or maybe you find out the business is closing because your boss announces it in the newspaper before telling you. Whatever the reason, sometimes it’s just time to move on, and there’s nothing wrong with that. This week, I’m going to discuss quitting jobs.

I don’t want to sound like a disappointed parent here, but gang, you’ve really got to start listening to the lyrics of the songs you’re making popular. Plenty of comics before me have discussed nonsense lyrics, or explicit lyrics (Chris Rock has an amazing bit involving Lil John’s “Get Low” that you should also listen to). Hell, I’ve done it before. In a blog post a couple years ago I broke down how harmful the mental health imagery is in Matchbox Twenty’s “Unwell.” But I’m not talking about those kinds of lyrics though. I’m talking about top 40’s pop songs with lyrics that if anyone actually listened to, they would be shocked at best and offended at worst. You’re making these songs popular, and it’s driving me insane.

Hey there, and welcome to the official Dan West Comedy blog! Here you’ll find periodic updates on my thoughts, ramblings, rants, and every now and then a nugget of positivity. This time, in honor of the season, I thought I’d spend a little time talking about Christmas shopping. On Saturday I went out in Evansville, Indiana to finish my Christmas shopping, and nothing has ever made me more certain that humanity needs to be wiped out. Like Ellen Ripley from Aliens said, we need to nuke the site from orbit, it’s the only way to be sure.