Movies
By now most of us are in quarantine, so we’ll be doing a lot to better ourselves. Time to go to the gym, research recipes, and knock out some quality meal prep. Sorry, I had to bullshit for a second there. We’re watching movies. All day, every day, for the next two weeks, we’re watching movies. So it’s important to remember in these trying times, that these movies are fiction.
It’s easy to remember movies are fiction when there’s superheroes and monsters. It’s harder when you’re watching a comedy with regular people doing regular things. Those movies seem like documentaries with more attractive people than normal, but the ideas they support are terrible and you need to make sure you don’t buy into them.
First and foremost, when a girl tells you no, that means no. And I don’t mean just when it comes to sex, that should be obvious. And if it’s not obvious, then I need you to understand that it should be, and you need to get your shit together. Seriously, jokes aside . . . you should already know that.
That got intense, but I’m not sorry. When I say no means no in terms to movies, I mean stop that stalker shit. When a girl says she doesn’t want to date you, that doesn’t mean show up at her job. Not even with flowers. In so many movies and shows, the game doesn’t even start till the girl has said no once. And somehow, it ends with the guy getting the girl. That isn’t how it’s supposed to be, gang. Countless bad examples in pop culture, none more mainstream popular than Jim and Pam in The Office. In the real world, that ends with Jim fired and potentially arrested, as it fucking well should. The same goes for The Notebook. Noah opens a conversation with a strange girl by walking up to her in a crowded carnival and asking her to dance, despite there being no music or dancing. She says no, so he responds by following her up the Ferris Wheel, hanging from it, and threatening to kill himself if she doesn’t go out with him. She says yes, and it starts a decades long romance. No, no, a thousand times no. That story should have ended with Noah in a mental hospital. Every time a girl says she wants a relationship like Noah and Aly, she’s a fucking liar. She doesn’t mean that. What she means is she wants a guy as hot as Ryan Gosling, and that’s acceptable.
The other important step is that when you’re interested in a girl who has a boyfriend, he isn’t automatically an asshole. This one is a constant. One of the only examples I’ve ever seen where the “competition” wasn’t just a terrible person who was rude and cheating and awful was in Liar, Liar. Cary Elwes’ character wasn’t a bad person. He was kind of boring, but that definitely seems better than the kid’s father, who skipped the birthday party to bone his boss. But in most other stories, the guy dating the girl you want is just the worst. That leads you to think you’re the hero and need to rescue this girl. Spoiler: most women don’t need to be rescued. I mean sure, they have problems. But it’s not your job to solve their problems, and that’s convenient since your dick isn’t the magical solution to anything they actually need help with.
That’s it for this week gang. I want to really express my gratitude for everyone working during this public health crisis. The first responders, the gas station employees, grocery and restaurant staff. These are scary times, and they’re putting themselves in harm’s way to limit how much we’re going to struggle during this. Tonight for dinner I got curbside pickup from Texas Roadhouse, and it was the best meal I’ve had in my life. I got to eat a delicious steak, green beans, and mashed potatoes, and DIDN’T have to deal with hearing four different tables force everyone to experience their birthdays. I may never go back. So be grateful for these people doing their important work. If it’s an industry that gets tipped, tip extra. If it’s not a tipped industry, be extra understanding if they seem stressed. That’s it for now guys, have fun and stay safe!